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Črepinja

Liza Whiteapple
17.06.2016 11:08 (Jun 17, 2016)

Rožnatosiva svetloba pojenjajočega dneva.

Jata ptic leti proti jugu,

čeprav se začenja pomlad…

 

Prazno sedim in pestujem črepinje,

dvignjen palec,

kaplja krvi.

Med tem, ko sem jih zbirala sem se ranila.

 

Ostane sivina.

Svet, ki je bil, ostaja tuj in nem.

Pa vendar,

slutim,

nekje blizu.

Čez sloj oblakov sili

Žarek.

 

Spusti me.

Dušiš me.

Stokrat si mi obrezal dihalne cevke.

Stokrat.

Da bi podaljšal svoje.

 

Spremenil si se v nadležnega starca-otroka,

ki me drži za goltanec,

za ceno lastnega življenja.

 

Zdaj pa,

ko sem se na silo iztrgala….

Boli vrat.

Boli požiralnik.

Preveč sem goltala.

Zdi se mi da umiram.

A si rečem,

to je le misel

Ali je res? Ali zaslužim še?

Še časa, svetlobe in volje?

Da jo bom prazno zmaličila in pretvorila?

Še eno možnost?

Še en vdih?

Gnus

Liza Whiteapple
20.07.2014 12:41 (Jul 20, 2014)

(30.09.2013)

Praskajoč zvok oglja po papirju me spominja na tiktakanje. Niti ni, da bi bil zares podoben. Nekako se mi mudi. Prazen papir me spravlja v paniko. Sovražim odsotnost definicije. Teče mi čas, jaz pa se bolno silim, da bi nekaj ustvarila, pa čeprav vem, da ne šteje če ni »od srca«. Zijam v fotografije in se trudim na papir spraviti pogled pijanca. Smešno, ampak to so moji poskusi, da bi se znebila gnusa, ki me počasi žre od znotraj.

Nekje sem pred kratkim prebrala: "Don t make excuses for him. U can t stick flowers to an asshole and call it a vase". Nasmejala sem se do amena. Vse vem. Vse mi je jasno in sama sebe preziram, ker sem se začela počutiti, kot ena od tistih razočaranih žensk, ki na FB non stop limajo razne citate o tem kakšna naj bi bila ljubezen. Kot, da jih bo kdo prebral in videl globje, se strinjal z njimi. Večno upanje, da te bo nekdo razumel in se te usmilil, da bo moški, ki te je prizadel spregledal, potočil solzico in se vrgel na kolena ter prosil odpuš

Osmi marec

Liza Whiteapple
19.07.2014 22:46 (Jul 19, 2014)

Osmi marec je. Vse skupaj je zajebano do kraja in samo čakam še kdaj bo šlo čez rob.

Oče je v bolnici. Bil je operiran. Preživel je. To je vse kar je v tem momentu pomembno in vse kar sem sploh sposobna akceptirati. Moram na obisk. Sovražim bolnišnice. Povzročajo mi slabost. Vonj po razkužilu in smrti.

 Med vožno me dajejo odsekani živčni trzljaji. Poiskušam se koncentrirati na to, kar mi govori mama, misli pa mi uhajajo vedno nazaj na isto točko. Na nič in odsotnost niča. Popolen brezup.

 Lajko sem pustila doma. Zjutraj sem sicer zakurila, ampak vem, da bo ogenj čez nekaj ur ugasnil in se bo stanovanje začelo hladiti. V glavi preračunavam koliko časa bo trajalo, da se vrnem nazaj domov. Popade me občutek krivde, ker z mislimi nisem pri očetu, ki se menda ravnokar prebuja po narkozi.

Sprašujem se kje je on. In ali bo res prišel domov in zakuril. Nadelžen glas, ki se mi oglaša v glavi je prepričan da ne. Na pol mu verjamem, a še vedno upam. Prisilim se preusmeriti pozornost nazaj n

Bilo je nekoč….Trenutek v času

Liza Whiteapple
31.05.2014 12:21 (May 31, 2014)

Sedim na vrtu pred hišo. V tisti luknji, pod mostom, čisto zraven Krke. Čudovit vrt je. Tak s prastarimi, ogromnimi drevesi. Vse cveti. Magnolije, glicinije, ringloji. Njihov vonj se meša z vonjem po žganju, ki prihaja iz kozarca, ki ga držim v roki. Po mostu hodijo ljudje. Vsake toliko se kdo ozre navzdol. Vseeno mi je. Stol sem si postavila prav na sredo vrta. Na sonce. Dobesedno vlivam vase. Tečejo mi solze in občutek imam, da niti za sekundo več ne morem prenašati svojega bednega življenja.

Steklenico sem potegnila iz kuhinjske omare. Skrita je bila za kuharskimi knjigami. Domače orehovo žganje. Sladko-grenak okus mi povzroča slabost. Kar pa ni niti približno primerljivo z razbijanjem srca in stiskanjem v prsih, ki ga poskušam utopiti z alkoholom.

Počutim se kot zadnje govno na svetu. Osamelec. Izpljunjena koščica. Taka brez jedra. Brez možnosti novega življenja v sebi. Alkohol ne pomaga. Sedim tam in jokam. Ne vem več kaj drugega naj. Obhajajo me samomorilske misli. Ne gre več.

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