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O dejstvih v odmevih nastanka (Maja V.)

Helena .
14.01.2015 19:29 (Jan 14, 2015)

Zate

 

To je nekaj takega kot pismo. Verjetno ni pravo pismo, ker nima naslovnika. Vsaj ne tistega, v navadnem smislu besede.

Pišem ga sama sebi in hkrati zate, ki ljubiš Zeleno. Pišem odmev tvojega nastanka. In odmevi so zapacani, premaknjeni iz osnovnih tonov in zameglejo postavljeni nazaj. Krožijo, se prelivajo in hkrati dajejo občutek celovitosti. Šele odmev naredi zvok popoln. Nič ni jasno, če ni za tem zabrisane sence.

 

Jaz pa nimam podlage. Sem samo nekaj črk, zapisanih čez ekran. Za tem ni ničesar, kar bi bilo resnično. Ničesar, kar bi se dalo oprijeti ali še bolje - objeti. In ti si prav tak. Tvoja zelena je majhna packa v vesolju, ki izgine takoj, ko je nihče ne gleda.  Si moja slika sveta, ki pa nemočno obvisi, ko jo odložim na stran. To hočem povedati - odlagam te na stran. Jaz nimam podlage in nič ne more obstajati brez podlage. Ni čustva, če ni človeka, kamor ga lahko položiš. Lahko se dava v črke.  Tam sva najlepša. Če kaj takega, kot je najlepše sploh obstaja … Pa tud

O Goghovi Zvedni noči in zeleni med razdaljami (Maja IV.)

Helena .
06.01.2015 21:12 (Jan 06, 2015)

Strah me je bi si morala obesiti okoli vratu. Tako bi vedeli, da nima smisla - z menoj hoditi na čaj ali mi slačiti obleke. Ne bo me tukaj, prav je imel. Medtem ko mi bo meril gole noge in iskal njihov konec, bom pobegnila. Nekam globje, levo od Tukaj. Mogoče bi zato morala izginiti - tako, za-res. Kot se dostojno izgine, brez besed, kovčka in pozabljenih romanov. Slike bi se sežgale, prah bi se skril pod omare, beležnice bi se utopile v kadeh. Čaj bi pil z drugo in ugotovil, da so krajše noge enostavnejše za razumevanje. Ampak za pravi pobeg rabiš pogum. Pozabljeno Aristotelovo vrlino, ki so jo obredno zažgali v križarskih vojnah. Zato se je lažje samo pokriti s tono šalov in se počasi dušiti tam spodaj. Spodaj? Strah je pojedel tudi smeri. In to je dobro. Če je smeri preveč, je zmešnjava.

 

Na začetku je bil njegov dih. Lepil mi je kožo in lase vrtel v Goghovo Zvezdno noč. Bila je svetloba in bilo je dobro.

 

"Si dobro?"

"Dobro?"

 

"Ljubka si, ko si zmedena."

 Moj nasmeh in velikans

O mrzlem čaju in snegu ob koncu decembra (Maja III.)

Helena .
30.12.2014 14:05 (Dec 30, 2014)

"Čaj je prevroč. Lahko dobim kozarec vode?"

"Prevroč čaj? Za mrzle prste je super."

"Ja, zate … ki bereš sredi zime na trgu. Kdo še to počne?"

"Hmm … mogoče se še kdo najde … kak depresivec, ki hoče umreti."

"Umreti hočeš?"

"Ne, samo včasih pomislim, koliko je ljudi, ki jim je življenje odveč. Veliko jih je, kajne?"

"Ogromno. Ampak veliko je tudi takih, ki umirajo, pa jim to ni ravno v veselje. Veš-"

"Umirajo? A ne umiramo vsi?"

"Ahh … spet si šla predaleč."

"Hehe … kot vedno."

 

 

"Slišal sem, da bo naslednji teden snežilo."

"Aja? Že decembra? Kako pa to?"

"Tako so rekli."

 

 

"Vreme te ne zanima, kaj?"

"Seveda me. Izjemno je zanimivo … samo težko je reči kaj o vremenu. Je, kar je. Ni izbire."

"Ja."

 

 

"Zakaj mora biti vedno kakšna izbira? Ne bi bilo lažje, če bi lahko vse napovedali vremenoslovci?"

 

 

"Izbira je najlepša utvara, ki jih imamo. Zakaj bi se ji odrekel?"

"Ker je utvara."

"Si ti utvara?"

"Kako to misliš?"

"So tvoje misli utvara?"

"Ne …"

"So tvoje odločitve utvara?"

"Ka

O čakanju na preštete knjige (Maja II.)

Helena .
17.12.2014 17:02 (Dec 17, 2014)

Včasih čakam, da bo nekaj prišlo. Včasih tudi pride. Po navadi je to kaka muha ali piš vetra. Odvisno kje sedim. Trenutno sem v parku in berem eno od knjig, ki jih imam na seznamu. Počasi listam strani in se nevede mrščim. Vem, da se mrščim, le da se tega ne zavedam. Hecna reč. Če se tako pogledam od daleč, jasno vidim svoje nagrbančeno čelo, ampak čela nikakor ne morem zgladiti. Tako da je videti še bolj hecno. Nekaj sekund se mučim in izraz na obrazu skače iz ene oblike v drugo … potem za trenutek pogledam vstran in spet je tukaj - moje nagrbančeno čelo.

 

Včasih celo kdo pride mimo. Kak star gospod s psom ali gospa, ki čaka moža, da pride iz knjižnice. Na skrivaj občudujem stare moške, ki se sami sprehajajo po knjižnicah in zbrano preštevajo knjige. Vem, da jih štejejo, četudi se pretvarjajo, da berejo naslove. Potem eden od njih napiše pesniško zbirko in jo ves ponosen podari prijateljem. "To je že dvanajsta po vrsti." In drugi: "Jaz pa jih imam že šestnajst!" Knjižnica mora to za

O zaznavanju jabolka in obstoju zdravnika (Maja I.)

Helena .
14.12.2014 16:28 (Dec 14, 2014)

Biti nekaj več, kot si, je lahko včasih najlažja stvar na svetu. Vsi smo več od sebe. Ker jaz je le majhen, zgoščen skupek, ki se razliva čez stole, mize, omare, lake za nohte, robčke, koše … smeti.

Imam se za več od smeti. Imam se za več od tebe in njega in onega in nečesa tako tujega, da ga ne morem niti videti. Imam se za več od niča. Biti, je biti zaznan. Zame ni drevesa, če ga ne vidim in ni njega, če ga ne vidim (ne vidim te!) in ni mene, če se ne zaznavam. Zaznavam se. Ves čas skrbno pazim, da mi kak del ne uide. In kopičim. Čez krhke misli lepim kolaže juter, večerov, viskijev, kav in cigaret, ki jih nisem nikoli pokadila. Ime mi je Maja. Živim tako, da se zaznavam. In če zaprem oči … včasih vidim zgodbo.

 

Biti je nekaj več od mene. Biti je težka beseda, tako težka, da jo je gravitacija že zdavnaj zložila, stisnila pod vsak majhen svinčnik. Biti ne moreš čutiti. Bit je hrapava in svilnata. Je občutek pod prsti, ko ti blazinice pobesnijo in napolnijo sobo. Ogledalo me gleda. T

Oglasi

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