(1991)

I started hanging out with Guenter, with whom we went out for a beer almost every evening after the course. I usually got a note from him that said something like: “I have a tough day after me. Do you come for a beer in Bermuda Dreieck?” Instead of the word "dreieck" he drew a triangle. Oh, how I waited for these pieces of paper - It wouldn't be so boring without these pieces of paper, it reminded me on my elementary school, which said: "Dajana, I love you." Of course, it didn't say who wrote it. I didn't dare turn around in class. In my head buzzed: who? who? who? who? I was thinking two weeks who was it, but didn't find out.

Well, let's go to the beginning of 1991. The Bermuda Dreieck is part of the first bezirk - district in Vienna, which is named after Bermuda triangel because people "disappear" there. They are under gas, drank... And this is also one of the few parts of Vienna that I like. It is a part of Vienna in the very heart of the city, where the streets are full of pubs (Beisl in German), something like what we have in old Ljubljana, only that there are three times as many and that the streets are criss-crossing and when you are a little "round" and you're not really from there, it's like a maze and it's very easy to get lost there. Even if you are not "round" at all.

Ah, I love the Viennese pubs. They smell on beer and cigarettes. They have a tradition of being a coffee shop, they are nicely furnished in an art nouveau style, where the spirit of k und k still can be felt. The monarchy, Klimt and all those artists from a hundred years ago... Or they're just bums. There are a millions of pubs in Vienna and I even worked in some of them...

Of course I said yes to Guenter. We went to his car who was in front of the building. car was wrinkled, full of cigarette butts and ash (I hardly remember a person in Vienna who did not smoke), piled of papers on the first seat. It's a car that never gets taken to the car wash, but sits outside on the street and waits for the rain.

We're driving and in the meantime he said - we wish we can get a parking lot nearby... and we get it! Well, we are sitting there in the pub, it was evening and there were many young people around us who were drinking beer or eating prepared sandwiches and pancakes. A scene was very loud. The atmosphere was very pleasant, as it should be for a pajzl. We drink beer and eat. In between we talk about music. Because it was so loud, we had to say sometimes twice.

"What do you like to listen to?"

 "Huh???"

 "What kind of music do you like?"

 "Laurie Anderson. I was recently on her concert in Ljubljana. I like such… strong women. Artists who have something to say and with whom I can identify."

We were talking and almost shouting to hear each other, drinking beer and getting rounder and rounder. I felt myself getting weirder and weirder towards him, which is typical for me when I start to arouse feelings in someone. I was afraid that he would start to talk about that he likes me. So... he did. I had a bit a crush on him, but I would never dated him, nor sleep with him. He was not mine choice. But he was a friend and it was so fun to be with him. Oh, these men!

So… I started to act typical for me. I liked him. But he shouldn't have gone too far. It's interesting how men can't understand that some women only want friendship with them. I could have been a man and I could have had a good time with him, if he hadn't "remembered" that I was a woman and "try around a little bit". I didn't want to have anything with him nor start anything with him, because I knew that we were not meant to be together. Even we did nothing would be long-term even. Why then "start" anything at all? Why not just have a good time without him "trying" anything? 

 Horror, this men... The more he thrust into me, the more he pushed me away, the more he ignored me, the more miserable I was. I should have finished this game a long time ago... But there I was, in the mess with him. Well, in the end he had to take me "home" to Tonko where I was living at the time.

"I know you like me, you just dare to admit it. Your eyes... You attract others with your eyes", he said and finished his beer.

"I like you. But I'm not in love with you, I just like to be with you because it's fun to be with you", I answered a little nervously.

 "You have such evil eyes. You are half angel and half devil!” he said with a slightly raised voice.

 "Is that good or bad?" I asked.

 "I love you", he said.

Well, now we are there! Now what? I'm in another movie right now. I hate him. I don't know what to do... My head is buzzing, but not from the alcohol I drank, probably from all these stories and people who want something from me. We are driving back along the Wienfluss river. It's not a river... it's a canal... I don't know what he's telling me anymore. He doesn't even speak. He is silent and keeps his mouth shut. He drives very wild. It's about half past twelve or so. I notice that the U-bahn (metro), which drives by the river, is no longer driving.

"Sometimes you look at me with such malice that it just shakes me", he tells me.

 "Yes. I know. I'm sorry”, I exhale.

 After a few moments, I said: "Can you stop the car?"

Guenter suddenly slows down and stops the car, the tires squealed. I'm getting out of the car. I still couldn't believe that I said that. I slamed the car door with such force and I said: "Fuck you, idiot". In my language, but not too loud. He seemed very angry. The tires screech... and... he's gone!

 I stand there and watched. I can't believe I actually did that! I feel really sorry for myself. "You stupid woman, how will you now go to Tonko's place?" First, I look at where I am, I have to orient myself. My bag with the money and the map was left in the car. I rely on my gut feeling that nothing bad can happen to me. I start to walk next to the U-bahn line, I have to get to the twelth district, where Tonko lives. I walked and walked. Vienna is not Ljubljana, which you can walk from one end to the other in half an hour. Vienna has 2 million inhabitants (including the suburbs), as many as the whole Slovenia. And so I've been walking for about half an hour, there was no soul on the street, just some cars here and there.

 All of a sudden I saw a figure at the end of the road in the middle of the intersection. I just frozen with fear. I said to myself: "Easy, just don't panic".

I get toward him.

He approaches and says: "Halo."

From his appearance and pronunciation, I was thinking that he is Turkish.

I answered: "Halo."

I know that in such situations it is necessary to establish communication. I continued: "I missed the last U-bahn and I'm walking home." Do you know where to go towards the 12th becirk?".

I asked him where he was from and he confirmed that he was from Turkey. He spoke bad German and he is looking me straight into the eyes. I thought about how it was when I was in Turkey few years ago  - they were nice people, so I knew he wouldn't do any harm to me.

But I feel... terrible. I still had 50 shillings in my pocket and knew it would be enough for a taxi. I asked him if he could come with me to the taxi place. He went. In between he explained that he lives nearby and that he had a bed and that I could go to his place. When we got to the taxi, I was relieved. He's actually miserable and lonely, I thought, just like me. I watched at him until he was out of sight.

I tiptoed into the apartment. I heard Tonko turn over in bed and grunt. I thought, just like at home, when I wanted to enter the apartment "invisible" in the middle of the night.